The Hunt for Warm October

Read Tom Clancy’s next book, ripped from the headlines, The Hunt for Warm October.


“America’s top military officer in charge of monitoring hostile actions by North Korea, escalating tensions between China and Japan, and a spike in computer attacks traced to China provides an unexpected answer when asked what is the biggest long-term security threat in the Pacific region: climate change.”  – Boston Globe

If Tom Clancy wrote The Hunt for Red October today…

Marko Alexandrovich Ramius, a Lithuanian submarine commander in the Soviet Navy, intends to defect to the United States with his officers on board the experimental nuclear submarine Red October, a Typhoon-class vessel equipped with a revolutionary stealth propulsion system that makes sonar detection extremely difficult. The result is a strategic weapon platform that is capable of sneaking its way into American waters and launching nuclear missiles with little or no warning. The Soviet Northern Fleet sails out to sink Red October under the pretext of a search and rescue mission. Meanwhile, Jack Ryan, a high-level CIA analyst, flies from London to Langley, Virginia, to deliver an update on climate change’s effects on U.S. frigate docking to the Deputy Director of Intelligence.

When the stealth drive is engaged, Red October disappears off the sonar of the USS Dallas, a Los Angeles class submarine that is tracking whale migration affected by the latest pretty-strong-storm-but-not-quite-a-hurricane off the East Coast.

As tensions rise between the U.S. and Soviet fleets, the crew of Dallas discover a way to detect a distant blue whale pod.

Ryan must contact Ramius to prevent the Red October from interfering with blue whale migration. Through a combination of circumstances, Ryan becomes responsible for shepherding Ramius and his vessel.

In order to convince the Soviets that Red October has been destroyed, the U.S. Navy rescues her crew after Ramius fakes a shipboard emergency — a warmer than usual October, the harbinger of catastrophic climate change.

These events succeed in convincing Soviet observers that Red October has been lost and that the Atlantic is totally uninhabitable. However, GRU intelligence officer Viktor Loginov, masquerading as Red October’s cook, realizes what is happening. Ryan attempts to persuade the fiercely patriotic Loginov to acknowledge climate change rather than die in our slightly warmer dystopic future, but he refuses to understand the controversial “hockey stick” global warming graph. He manages to kill Loginov in the submarine’s missile compartment.

Captain Viktor Tupolev, a former student of Ramius and commander of a Soviet Alfa-class attack submarine, has been trailing what he initially believes is an Ohio-class vessel. Based on acoustical signature information, Tupolev and his political officer realize that it is Red October, and proceed to pursue and engage it. The two U.S. submarines escorting Red October are unable to fire due to a nearby school of snipe eels, and Red October is damaged by a torpedo from the Alfa. After a tense standoff, Red October rams Tupolev’s submarine broadside and sinks it.

The Americans escort Red October safely into the eight-ten dry dock in Norfolk, Va., where Ramius and his crew are taken to a CIA safehouse to begin their Americanization at a Whole Foods. Ryan is commended by his superiors for the collateral damage of only a few humans killed and no animals harmed.

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If Your Are a Humor Writer, Your 2012 Presidential Election Choice is Clear: Vote Joe Biden for Vice President

The Humor Columnist endorses Joe Biden for vice president in the 2012 election.

The nation stands at a stark crossroads. We can continue down a path that will lead us to fiscal insolvency and protracted wars overseas, or we can alter our course today at the ballot box and place America’s future in the hands of a guy who will pretty much do the same things. The choice is obvious. We’re totally screwed, so we might as well have a few laughs, and that is why The Humor Columnist is endorsing Joe Biden for Vice President.

Normally publications endorse a president. The vice president is an afterthought. But this is no normal election. This is an election between two men–President Obama and Gov. Romney–who pretty much agree on everything except for abortion (Obama thinks they should be mandatory for all births) and gay rights (Romney would like to see all gays forced to wear pink hats so that he can identify them publicly.) When candidates are this close in their beliefs, you have to look at the rest of the ticket, and as a humor writer, I have to give the hilarity edge to Biden over Paul Ryan, in spite of these photos.

It’s easy to forget, with the focus on Obama and Romney, just how much joy America’s Drunk Uncle, Joe Biden, has given us these last four years. I’ll run through some highlights. Our vice president has publicly thanked Dr. Pepper (we all should!), called Ireland’s leader a drunk, put supporters to sleep with his speeches, told the city of San Francisco its football team will not go to the Super Bowl, joked about the Secret Service shooting a Florida government employee, plagiarized two presidents, dispensed dating advice to young single women (more than once), said the Cleveland Plain Dealer was in Florida, accused his opponent of wanting to make a $500 trillion tax cut (there are only $15 trillion in the economy), said he is “supposedly” an expert on foreign affairs, promised to run for president, promised to give America “the whole load” in a speech, made an inappropriate comment about Indians and forgot where he was — all on the same day, asked the father of a slain soldier about the size of his son’s balls, talked about his parents having sex, accidentally forced the president to take a stand on gay marriage, said middle class people live in unattractive homes, thinks this is the 20th century, called the 9/11 anniversary “bittersweet,” forgot he was in Ohio, said the Republicans will enslave people, forgot what The Everglades were called and promoted free butt-health to all of America.

And this is just the stuff we know about. Behind closed doors? When his guard is down?

I don’t know, but I’d like four more years to find out.

America, the choice is clear.

Dr. Pepper for vice president.

UPDATE: I just want to thank America for reelecting Joe Biden as vice president. I’ll keep tracking his many gaffes, blunders and international incidents on Pinterest.


Michael Hiltzik Knows How to Make You Happy, You Clod

Michael Hiltzik says more government control will make you more of an individual and other things that make your brain explode.

hiltzikMichaelIn a world where Thomas Friedman and David Brooks exist, choosing a favorite columnist to mock-read every week should be a two-man race, but we are blessed here in Los Angeles with one of the most predictably predictable columnists in the nation.

America, meet Michael Hiltzik. Or don’t. It’s probably better if you don’t.

I subscribe to the Los Angeles Times. I used to spend a lot of time yelling at Hiltzik columns, but I have decided to harness that energy and focus it like a laser beam of truthy America-loving awesomeness here on this website.

If my retorts seem not-well-thought-out or asinine, it’s because I write this column on short breaks from my work. This is not my full-time job. Saving America is just something I do in my spare time.

Hiltzik’s latest column in its entirety is available here. It’s about how government programs can make a nation happier. Yes, the nation he’s referencing is America. His words in bold. Mine in not-bold.

How much are we willing to pay for the pursuit of happiness?

I dunno. $70. I’m ballparking it.

Never mind the conventional speculation about whether the resolution of some political standoff in Washington favors Republicans or Democrats, liberals or conservatives, “entitlement” fans or skeptics.

Waaaaay ahead of you, Mikey. I pay no mind at all.

Question for you: is anyone actually a “fan” of entitlements? People like entitlements, but no one except wonky media types such as yourself are “fans” of entitlements. We don’t gather as a nation on Saturday mornings to grill hot dogs in a parking lot and get ‘faced and pile 90,000 high into a stadium to cheer on our entitlements. GO HOME MORTGAGE INTEREST DEDUCTION! YAY!

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