I wrote this for Playboy.com. It’s how I wish I actually responded to my weekly progress reports. For the record, my boss liked it, so maybe I will just send this to him every week from now on. Here’s the link.
Some of the comments from my “Porn in the Woods” piece for Playboy were amusing/funny/weird. Here are the best ones.
First few I ever found were in the woods across the street from my house. I wrapped them carefully in an old garbage bag, his them under a piece of wood and carefully covered it with leaves. I must have been 11 and went out to look at them do often I swear my mother thought I was Daniel Boone.
It’s an American tradition, and a right of passage to find your first Playboy in the woods, or field.
I go all Wolf Blitzer on America’s ass in What the 2016 Presidential Logos Really Tell Us on Playboy.com.
The metrosexual minute, which somehow dovetailed into this hipster era through which we all must endure, has produced its fair share of grooming products for the well-coiffed. But it has created precious few products, of quality, for the non-coiffed among us. Which is to say, for those of us unable to coif because we have no hair.
No doubt sensing my existential head angst, Tony from Sir Hare recently sent me this product for review:
Right away I dug its over-the-top old-timey-ness. The small brown bottle looks like something sold off the back of a traveling snake-oil salesman’s horse cart. Then there’s the monocled, mustachioed, dapper rabbit who looks like he voted for Taft, lending an air of leporidae credibility. The word GENTLEMAN appears in all caps on the side. The back labeling says it’s a “World Famous Head Shaving Oil,” as if there could ever be one. Sir Hare, says the bottle, “smells like heaven.” Whoever designed and approved this packaging has a wonderful confidence and sense of humor.
Gentleman, it turns out, is one of four brands of Sir Hare, along with Beach Bum, Lumberjack and Purist, which I can only assume is a bottle air. (J/K – it’s not.) One bottle of each will run you $14.99 on the website.
I opened my bottle of Gentleman for a whiff, and it smelled like the olden days, even though I have no idea what the olden days smelled like. There’s a note of tea and also something else — old musical instruments maybe? (Maybe heaven smells like tea and old musical instruments.) In any case, it was both pleasant and manly.
The shower is where I shave. I rubbed a few drops in my head stubble and gave it a rip. Sir Hare performed as advertised, providing a smooth, fragrant, moisturizing shave.
And now the question … the big question … the only one that matters:
Sir Hare: Is it good?
Sir Hare is good.
This is a truly glorious and shiny day for my people.
For more “Is It Good?” Reviews, go here.
I didn’t have to go far to have an Oscar adventure today. I was walking Tanner this morning when my German neighbor, a hair and makeup artist, approached me on the sidewalk in a panic.
“I am 10 minutes late to do hair for my Oscar clients, and my car won’t start, and I cannot get the Uber app to work,” she said in on breath.
I had no trouble believing this. She has a classic convertible, and it often takes a while to start in the morning. That car is probably responsible for one-fourth of the smog in the LA area.
“You want a ride?” I asked.
Today is the Super Bowl of the hair and makeup world, and she didn’t hesitate.
I grabbed my keys, scooped a very confused Tanner (um, what about breakfast, dad?) into the car and picked her up. As we sped down Santa Monica I asked who her clients were. She’s working on the folks from Citizenfour, the Edward Snowden documentary. I can’t tell you how happy this made me. She’s also doing hair and makeup for German director Wim Wenders, whose work I must now familiarize myself with. She was very kind and very thankful. As repayment, she offered to cut my hair, which sent both of us into hysterics.
Now, I’m not saying I saved the Oscars today. And I’m not saying that if Citizenfour wins and so many people become aware that their government is acting illegally that we finally elect the right folks to run this country and peace breaks out globally that I have helped save the world today. Let’s leave that for the historians to decide. What I can say is that you don’t get a ton of chances to help your neighbors in LA, because we’re an independent and private lot, and it was nice to give her a hand.
(Tanner survived the trip and got his breakfast and is now resting comfortably on the couch.)