Vice President Biden has San Francisco’s baseball Giants on the brain (With apologies to Calvin Trillin)

Joe Biden just can’t stop thinking about the San Francisco Giants

“Ever excitable Vice President Joe Biden made one of his infamous gaffes while trying to rally supporters in San Francisco when he predicted the Giants would go to the Super Bowl. Oops. The veep apologized after what the Oakland Tribune called some good-natured boos and explained he had baseball’s San Francisco’s Giants on the brain, not the 49ers’ opponents, the New York Giants.” – USA Today

The meeting was going quickly, which was fine with President Obama, who hoped to adjourn in time to watch his beloved Chicago Bulls play the Washington Wizards.

“I know that reducing the size of our armed forces will not be a popular move, but it’s one we have to make. And I think by increasing funding to the Air Force, to expand its initiatives in both space and cyberspace, we can mitigate the fallout by stressing our forward-thinking vision,” President Obama said. “Any thoughts on this?”

“Mr. President, I’d like to add something,” Vice President Joe Biden said. “It’s a bold vision. I think the Americana people will understand it. And I think that, thanks to this administration, the San Francisco Giants will have the best pitching staff in the National League West after they sign Tim Lincecum to a long-term contract.”

“Pardon me,” President Obama said. “Did you say Tim Lincecum?”

“Oh, ha, forgive me, Mr. President, I have San Francisco’s Giants on my brain,” Vice President Biden said. “I meant to say that the citizens of this country will be glad that we have mobile, high-tech armed forces.”

The President, Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of Defense laughed.

“No problem, Joe. It’s been a long meeting,” President Obama said. “Now, general, I want to talk about our cyberspace defenses.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” General Thaddeus Smith said. “The current plan would protect government sites and some private sites as well, particularly key news-disseminating organizations that will be necessary to reach the public in time of war. For example, The Drudge Report and CNN.com.”

“Joe,” President Obama said. “I know you’ve been working on this. Is everything we’re doing Constitutional?”

“Mr. President, I assure you everything we are doing is Constitutional,” Vice President Biden said. “I informally vetted our plans with the ACLU. In a time of cyber-war, even if we have to shut down a large part of the online grid, some private websites will remain functional. Americans will be able to get information from trusted news sources such as sanfranciscogiants.com.”

Silence.

“Um, Mr. Vice President,” General Smith said. “That site is not on our list of essential websites.”

“Ha!,” Vice President Biden said. “Man, is that embarrassing! I have San Francisco’s Giants on the brain. Did I really just say that? No one gets their hard news from sanfranciscogiants.com, not even their manager Bruce Bochy, a two-time National League Manager of the Year who was the fourth Giants manager to win a World Series, joining John McGraw, Bill Terry and Leo Durocher.”

The president and generals all looked down at their meeting agendas, too embarrassed to look at the vice president. The vice president looked down at his agenda, too, and pretended to write down something really important. He bit his lip, wrote the words Pablo Sandoval and circled them twice.

“All right,” the president said, “final item on the agenda—our space defense initiative. I’d like to hear from General Smith and General Smith only.”

“Mr. President, our space defense initiative is based on overwhelming redundancy,” General Smith said. “Our systems are backed up on both government and private satellites. No country on earth has the resources to knock out our space assets. Our military assets are more likely to face harm in Fort Bragg than they are in space.”

The Vice President raised his hand.

“Have we considered putting them in McCovey Cove?” Vice President Biden said.

“What?” General Smith asked.

“All of our space assets—we could hide them in McCovey Cove, the small body of water outside right field at AT&T Park where Giants fans in small boats try to catch home runs with fishing nets,” Vice President Biden said. “The Russians, the Chinese, they’d never look there.”

President Obama rose to his feet.

“Joe, we can’t put national defense assets in McCovey Cove,” President Obama yelled.

“No. That’s a terrible idea. McCovey Cove? Is that what I said? I really do have San Francisco’s Giants on the brain,” Vice President Biden said as he face-palmed himself. “I meant the moon. Have we considered putting our space assets on the moon?”

“Meeting adjourned,” President Obama said, tersely. “Thank you, gentlemen. I’m going to the arena to watch the Bulls.”

“That should be a good game, Mr. President,” Vice President Biden said. “I predict the Giants will go to the Super Bowl.”

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Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.