Archive

I wrote a humor column for Scripps-Howard News Service from 2002-2004. Since then I have published humor columns in magazines, online, on my personal site and now here. Below you will find selections from the 300-plus humor columns I have written. You can also buy a reasonably-priced collection of funny travel essays from my honeymoon.

 

 


The Latest

Are Libertarians Crazy Cultists Who Should be Drown? Playboy Investigates (Playboy)
The answer is … click to find out, you lazy parasite.

What the 2016 Presidential Logos Really Tell Us (Playboy)
Nothing. Yet everything.

This is How to Respond to a Weekly Progress Report (Playboy)
With truth, yo.

There Are a Lot of Girly Magazines in our Nation’s Woods: A Special Report (Playboy)
America’s forests are teeming with Playboys. Seriously.

Hidden Images in 5 Presidential Portraits (Playboy)
President Pierce’s darkest secret is exposed.

An Honest Hong Kong Travel Guide (Playboy)
I went to Hong Kong and enjoyed the men’s rooms there.

Exclusive: An Oral History of The Exodus (Playboy)
With Exodus: Gods and Kings set to open at theaters nationwide, I sat down with key participants from the movie’s source material, The Bible.

An Employee Self-Evaluation That Saves Everyone a Lot of Time (Playboy)
I welcome HR departments nationwide to use this form.

The Halloween Costumes We Want to See This Year (Playboy)
Playboy’s 2014 suggestions for “sexy” Halloween costumes, as featured on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

16 Wonderful Things People Are Doing With Sriracha (Playboy)
Reporting back from Los Angeles’s delicious Sriracha Fest.

Here are Those Celeb Nudes You’re Looking For (Playboy)
Readers who came to Playboy looking for leaked pics of Jennifer Lawrence were treated to this gallery.

The 15 Worst Fjords in the World (Playboy)
Fjords are horrible, and these are the worst.

The 19 Funniest Exercise Fads of All-Time (Livestrong)
It’s all about Prancercise, my friends.

More

Obamacare Apologies to the Whole Foods Crowd (Reason)
Reason asked me for a “not deadly serious” take on Obamacare. Proud to say this might be the least serious article ever published on this topic.

Why You Are Wrong
I disagree with you. I understand where you’re coming from, but I believe you’re mistaken, and I’ll explain why you are wrong with facts and charts, yo. 

Mini Business Cards are Too Small 
I have a very important business question. When did business cards shrink down to the size of chewing gum stick wrappers? And how come no one told me this was happening? Was there a meeting? I should have been invited. I have very strong opinions about stupid things like this.

5 Problems You Can’t Blame on How You Were Raised (Cracked)
There is a considerable body of research, most of it collected through studying twins and adopted siblings, which says parents don’t matter to the degree that moms and dads and the piano teacher industrial complex say they do.

Sorry We Stole Your Stuff
LAX employees have been stealing from traveler’s bags. Here’s how to fight back.

Cover Letter
Nowadays I find myself sending the occasional cover letter, because when you’re in the freelance game, the hustle don’t stop. This is how it’s done.

The One Thing No One Tells You About Living in LA
Unless you have a home in the hills or on the beach or in a gated community with the super-rich, criminals will use your side streets, driveways, alleys, yards and garages to hide from the police. This typically happens around 4 AM.

May Your State Fall Into the Ocean
While many on the Internet wish California would fall into the ocean, a good case can be made for some other states going in first.

The Freelance Game
A lot of people want to know how I did it. How did I rise to the middle of the freelance writing game? They come up to me on the street and they’re like, “I want what you got. I want an eight-year-old compact car, an old PlayStation and a streaming-only Netflix account—I want to live the life.”

Crucial Burrito Vending Machine Opens in Los Angeles
Finally, the futuristic burrito technology we were promised has arrived.

Sochi Double Toilet: Explained
How could any professional build two toilets next to each other, thus defying all of the international laws of toilet privacy as set forth in Geneva in 1957? I offer two theories.

The Great Los Angeles St. Patrick’s Day Earthquake of 2014
It was 6:30 AM, which means I had just finished Pilates and was stretching for yoga, which I do for an hour every morning before hiking Runyon with my dog. I felt our home roll, but I managed to keep my pomegranate smoothie from spilling on our coffee table, which was purchased at an antique store and crafted by Peruvian artisans in Puerto Maldonado and would be very hard to replace if something spilled on it.

The Puppy Bowl is Terrible
Until they learn the fundamentals, dogs should not be allowed to play football on TV.

What Really Happens When You Drink (Livestrong)
In this health article, beer and tequila try to figure out what happened to them the night before. Yep, things got cray.

Plastic Bag Ban Blows Into Town
The city of Los Angeles’s plastic bag ban is now in effect. The ban makes it illegal for grocery stores to distribute plastic bags to customers. If you’re keeping track, the list of things it is now illegal to do in Los Angeles includes murder, assault and giving elderly people who purchase oranges a thin plastic bag to carry them home.

Mattress Heights, Ohio
While the sheer volume of mattress stores in Mayfield Heights no doubt guarantees great deals for customers, I fear that my hometown may be encroaching upon peak mattress, the point upon which the supply of mattresses arcs perilously upwards and then crashes back down to earth.

Traditional Thanksgiving Newspaper Column
What would the pilgrims make of our Google Maps, our central heating and our gigantic roast turkeys? What do these people have to be thankful for, the pilgrims might wonder, when we have all we need—makeshift lodgings and porridge.

LeBron and Balding Denial (Playboy)
The five stages a man passes through when he loses his hair. I know them well. LeBron James is getting to know them right now.

Christmas 2013 Talking Points
I’m going to be seeing friends and family members in Cleveland over the next few days, and there will be much talk about news, politics, weather and local sports. There is nothing I dread more than a lull in the conversation, so I’ve created these Christmas 2013 Talking Points to get me through the holiday party season with a minimum of awkward pauses.

Comeback victory: Ohio football has come a really, really long way (Ohio Today)
During the 1997 season, the tailgate section was wherever my friend Jim parked his Chevy Celebrity, plus whoever else then happened to park around us.

The Walking Dead: A Recap of Seasons 1-3 (Mandatory)

Breaking Bad: A Recap of the Entire Series so Far (Mandatory)

My Night With Richard Simmons Sweat – The Class, Not His Sweat (The Humor Columnist)

What No One Tells You About Being Robbed (Cracked)

Flying is Awful (The Humor Columnist)

Sons of Anarchy Season 6 Predictions (Mandatory)

The True Meaning of Labor Day (The Humor Columnist)

Inside the Mind of a Man with a Comb-Over (Cracked)

How to Dance at a Wedding (eHow)

Know Thy Enemy: Diet Soda (Livestrong)

Top 5 Crimes Committed by Squirrels (Top 5)

Know Thy Enemy: Sitting (Livestrong)

Top 10 Worst Workout Fails of All-Time (Muscle & Fitness)

Why I Love Chipotle (The Humor Columnist)

Know Thy Enemy: Carbs (Livestrong) 

Kardashian Abbey (DAME)

Returning to Athens is for Foolish Alumni (The Post)

10 Talking Points for the Impromptu High School Reunion That Happens at the Bar the Night Before Thanksgiving (The Humor Columnist)

The 10 Weirdest Foods at Your Grocery Store and Why You Should Eat Them (Livestrong)

Some advice for President Obama on his Visit to Athens, Ohio (The Humor Columnist)

Off-campus housing is getting nicer, said no one, ever (The Humor Columnist) 

President Obama makes historic visit to Ohio University (The Humor Columnist)

Why don’t men Zumba? (Livestrong)

The 5 stages of a juice fast (Livestrong)

Real-life Jerry and Elaine get hitched (Los Angeles Times)

I want to eat your baby! (Babble) 

Can you ride a scooter and still be a man? (Made Man)

I blame my fiancee for this engagement photo (Salon)

5 Ways to Improve Cats (Cracked)

Heavy mayo, or the greatest thing I have seen in L.A. (Hypervocal)  

A trip to see the worst movie ever made (These Fries Are Good)

20 discontinued foods that we sort of miss (Livestrong)

My review of Peepshow at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas 

Don’t play it straight (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)

The White Castle Valentine’s Day Dinner Vs. Spago Valentine’s Day Dinner (Made Man)

The War on Drugs starts at Foot Locker (Scripps Howard)

7 most disturbing moments in Mad Men history (Guyism) 

Huey Lewis & The News, a Soulsville release date and The Power of Love

How I scored an interview with Huey Lewis and the News drummer Bill Gibson

20 discontinued foods that we sort of miss (Livestrong)  

Taco Bell Doritos Taco Loco: The Review (Guyism)

Holy Taco vs. The Foot-Long Burger (Holy Taco)

The 5 stages of a juice fast (Livestrong)

The St. Patrick’s Day 200 (Guyism)

How to build Ikea furniture — drink heavily (The Humor Columnist) 

Party small-talk topics for guys (The Good Men Project)

I blame my fiancee for this engagement photo (Salon)

Joe and Jen’s engagement photo shoot

The 8 rules of engagement photo shoots (Bridal Banter) 

Why gay marriage is good for straight men (Guyism)

Fox News Magazine for Women: So Right It Can’t Be Wrong (DAME) 

The Junction: A Eulogy (The Humor Columnist) 

Memorable quotes from McNugget George Washington (The Humor Columnist)

The Taco Terrorist Scare (DAME) 

If only I lived in New Hampshire (Dipdive)

What to do if you’re white and you suddenly realize your karaoke song has the n-word in it (The Humor Columnist) 

The 25 saddest things you see at AdultCon (Holy Taco)

I would like to congratulate model/actor Joe Donatelli on being the handsomest Joe Donatelli in America (The Humor Columnist) 

4 evolutionary explanations for modern annoyances (Cracked)

My battle with the 12-minute mile (Race Gossip)

Blake Griffin dunks, hits three, sells shirt (Made Man)

Ohio fans, let’s do this again soon (Ohio Today)

Game 7 Lakers: Downtown Los Angeles during Lakers’ game 7 win

7 ways video games are saving the world (Guyism) 

Why men love waitresses (Funny or Die) 

It’s August! Time to take a vacation (Chicago Sun-Times, login required)

Calling all couples: Take the airport test (Chicago Sun-Times, login required)

What would you say you do here? (The Humor Columnist)

A note to any company considering hiring Joe Donatelli

New and improved employee evaluation form