What happens when you combine “West Wing” with “House of Cards”? My new script…
Friend of The Humor Columnist David Stern–who was last seen in this space promoting the very important Balding Handbook–has found a new way to
fleece the public make money doing something other than real work. Stern is the proprietor of The Pothole Store, which sells the naming rights to Chicago area potholes as well as their contents to pothole-loving citizens.
This is the Pothole Store promise:
Our mission statement has always been simple: To provide the highest quality 100% Authentic Chicago pothole products at the lowest prices. These fourteen simple words have guided us from day one. These fourteen words have demanded that we only use the ripest and freshest crumbling asphalt from around Chicagoland. These fourteen words have been our template throughout our tireless dedication. These fourteen words have made us the largest purveyor of 100% authentic Chicago pothole products in the world.
We humbly welcome you to The Pothole Store, where only the best pothole products are sold. All our products come with a Certificate Of Authenticity (COA) assuring that you’re only getting the very best. When you open one of our products for the first time and take in it’s rich fresh aroma, you’ll say to yourself…”That’s Good Pothole”.
The amount of work and effort Stern put into offering potholes for sale on the Internet probably could have been used to start a more useful small business, which is why I applaud his efforts.
This is “pothole expert” David Stern being interviewed on WGN about his pothole store.
Unlike the United States, 2013 was a pretty good year for The Humor Columnist. I published two ebooks, the site received about 50,000 page views and a few of my posts got passed around on Facebook and Reddit, which is always a nice thing. The biggest change was that I started publishing stories with a specific audience in mind–people in Los Angeles or Cleveland, for example. It helped. I probably should have figured this out years ago, but I’m not “smart.”
Google, Facebook and Reddit drove most of the traffic to this site in that order. Surprisingly, joedonatelli.com, Bing and Cracked.com drove more traffic than Twitter, which I post links to often, with Yahoo and Google+ behind Twitter. Takeaway: Twitter is a giant waste of time in terms of attracting mass traffic and is probably more effective if you are targeting specific individuals such as editors or Richard Simmons.
What were the top 10 stories on The Humor Columnist in 2013? Here they are, based on total number of page views. Some of them are from years past and continue to receive traffic.
A few months ago I made predictions about “Sons of Anarchy” for the website Mandatory. Unlike some people (I am looking in your direction, Washington, DC), I believe in a little thing called accountability.
So let’s see how full of it I was with my “Sons of Anarchy” Season 6 predictions.
Prediction: Clay Will Not Die in Prison
The Verdict: I was right. Clay died, but not in prison. He died the way we all expected him to–in an airplane hangar surrounded by Irish thugs during the second-to-last season and not even in the final episode of that season. Wait. No. That’s exactly how no one expected him to die. It was a surprise but not the good kind like in “Game of Thrones” where you go, “I can’t believe they randomly killed Sir Goldenchest of Joustshire” or whatever. Clay’s death was a letdown. Jax now has no great enemy to fight in the final season. It’s like if Luke Skywalker had killed Darth Vader in “Empire Strikes Back.” I’m afraid we could be in for Ewoks next season.
Prediction: Lee Toric Will Become a Cruel Pain in SAMCRO’s Ass
The Verdict: It is frightening how literally correct I was on this one. And that’s enough about that.
Prediction: Prison Will Hasten Tara’s Evolution Into Gemma 2.0
The Verdict: I’m giving myself a yes on this one. What Tara did with the fake pregnancy was a Machiavellian Gemma move. You could even see it in Gemma’s face. Oooh, this girl’s good. That’s what I would have done.
Prediction: Lincoln Potter Will Return
The Verdict: No, and I really hope that the sheriff’s death at the end of Season 6 is what brings him back. He’s no Clay, but he’s a good nemesis, and if anyone can take down the Sons, it’s this lunatic lawman.
Prediction: Nero Will Die
The Verdict: He lived. This was a shocker because anyone who sleeps with Gemma’s days are numbered. I still think it’s coming for Nero. Just didn’t happen in Season 6. Will it be Jax or Gemma who does him in? Or will the street get him? That’s a big question to be answered in Season 7. And how good is Jimmy Smits? Hollywood, put him in everything, please. (My friend Victor just wrote me and said: “How badass is Jimmy Smits? He can convincingly play a cholo while wearing a cardigan and holding a coffee mug.” Exactly.)
Prediction: Bobby Will Be Forced to Do Some Shit He Doesn’t Want to Do
The Verdict: Wrong on this one, too. He was on board with Jax this season. And he didn’t exactly say no to the crown when Jax handed it to him. Safe to say, Bobby mainly liked the shit he had to do this season. Also, actor Mark Boone Junior is now one of those guys I never want to see in any other TV shows, kind of like every actor from “The Wire” and “The Shield.” I know these guys are entitled to their careers, but please don’t do a two-episode arc on “Modern Family” or whatever because I selfishly need Mark Boone Junior to be Bobby Munson forever.
Prediction: More of the Same Old, Same Old
The Verdict: Oh, they blundered. They always blunder. Looking in your direction, Juice. And Jax for handing the Irish a loaded machine gun in front of the Chinese. How these guys are not all dead or in prison I will never know. They really are the worst criminals ever. It would not shock me if Dignan from “Bottle Rocket” became chapter president next season.
Prediction: Gemma Will Die
The Verdict: I thought Gemma would get it, not Tara. That Gemma would violently confront Tara was inevitable, but I was still shocked and surprised that it did happen and how it happened. You never want to think a human being — even a fictional character — is capable of such horrible, awful treachery. This was the most memorable and bloody moment of the season, and there were many of them. Credit the writers with supplying a grisly, memorable and sort of perfect moment for how Gemma vs. Tara had to end.
Prediction: Jax Will Get Tara Back But Lose Control of the MC
The Verdict: Nailed it. Before Tara died, I had the thought that maybe these two will keep in touch while he is in prison, and maybe by laying down his freedom for their boys she will find a way to forgive him and they will reunite in Oregon where she will work as a doctor and he will read from his man journal to hipsters in independent bookstores. It was a longshot, but there was a shot they would work it out. They did sleep together one last time. And, of course, he had to give up control of the motorcycle club to free his boys.
Final Record: 5-for-9
Next season will be interesting. If Jax is arrested, how long will Juice and Gemma hold onto the truth? Jax will find out Gemma killed Tara, then what? How does the DA avenge the death of the sheriff? Does she go gangster? Does she bring in Lincoln Potter? Does she put her trust in The Strike Team? (Oops. Wrong Kurt Sutter Show.) I don’t know, but I’ll be watching to find out.
No Ewoks, please. Real foes. This show deserves a spectacular ending.
Joe Donatelli is the author of Full Griswold: Stories from a Honeymoon in Italy.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Pope Francis was once a bouncer.