Why You Are Wrong

A quick summary about why you are wrong, with some notes about why I am right.

I disagree with you. I understand where you’re coming from, but I believe you’re mistaken, and I’ll explain why you are wrong.

First of all, the data backs up my point. I have facts out the waz. Your data are flawed, old, biased or incomplete. The people who collected your data are in prison for fraud or took funding from an evil billionaire who lives in a castle on a mountain where there is always lightning. My facts are bulletproof. They were gathered by humble grass roots researchers who love America and hate cancer. You can be forgiven for not having the same information that I do. People on “your side” don’t like to discuss data that annihilate their arguments. Now let this chart hammer-punch some sense into you.

chart

You can’t argue with these numbers!

More important than the data, though, is that my argument is just. I can see why you made the argument that you did, but you’re forgetting a whole host of injustices, tragedies and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style flying specters that would be loosed upon millions of people if you had your way. What I’m saying is that the moral arc of the universe bends towards my argument.

MLK.

Respect.

History has proved me correct on this point time and time again. From the Bible to the Renaissance to the Depression and WWII, my point was cemented repeatedly by real events and real people who suffered under the regimes of dogmatic fools like you. There are several authors who have made the very point I am making more eloquently than I have, and you can buy their books and read them in your spare time, which I suggest you do, because right now you’re uneducated and just talking out your butt.

kantI shall now appeal to authority by quoting a philosopher who agrees with my premise, thereby wrapping my argument in the wisdom of the ages. Yes, I said a philosopher—a guy who gets paid to sit around all day and think about stuff like this. Are you a philosopher? No? You don’t spend all day thinking about stuff? What’s that? This topic isn’t in your area of expertise at all? Just checking. Because my guy was thinking hard with his brain his whole life about stuff like this, and he agrees with me.

I should also mention—and it absolutely pains me to say this—that there are crazy people who agree with what you have to say. I’m not saying you’re crazy. I’m saying they’re crazy. But you’re both saying the same thing. Draw your own conclusions as to what this means.

And let us not forget that recent tragedy that was completely the fault of people of your ilk. It enraged the nation, and we all know it could have been prevented if the policies you agree with were not in place.

While your argument is completely incorrect, I do agree with you on one small, meaningless point. Doing so gives me some upper hand, because I now appear to be the more magnanimous party. No, I don’t see how it connects with the rest of your point. If anything, it bolsters mine. And, again, wasn’t it generous of me to reinforce my point with empty praise?

I think, in time, my friend, you will come to see the facts and agree with me. It’s just a matter of being exposed to the right thinkers, writers and life situations. It’s not your fault that you’re ignorant. You grew up in a certain part of the country. Everyone thinks the same there. I’m not blaming you. If anything, you’re one of the smart ones from there. I can’t blame you for not being enlightened like I am. You’re a victim of whatever it is that makes people think like you do.

Let’s just agree to disagree, but let’s also agree that I’m more right.

– Twitter: @joedonatelli

UPDATE: Jeff Bezos totally stole my chart.




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Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.

  • DailyPlunge

    Bravo!

  • Very kind. Thank you.

  • IronSun254

    How can you be more right than me when I’m 100% right?

  • See: chart.

  • AznPanda

    So that means I’m always wrong. If I agree with you, I’m also wrong. If I’m wrong, you are also wrong, always wrong. Proof: Chart.

  • All valid points, but when I flip the chart upside down, I’m right again.

  • Erick Skrabe

    This Graphic is in Celsius or Fahrenheit ?

  • It depends on the question.

  • Goaty McCheese

    This is great.

  • No. This is good. Your name is great.

  • Joe

    Excellent!

  • UnfrozenCavemanMD

    Consider being called wrong a compliment. Most of the people who disagree with me on this issue are so incoherent in their argument that, to use the famous phrase of physicist Wolfgang Pauli, they are “not even wrong.” At least you have managed to put together something meaningful enough to be called wrong.

  • These arguments are still WAY more sound than some of the stuff I deal with on a daily basis. And that is to say nothing of how fun of a read it was! Kudos.

  • hobo

    This is so stupid. I can’t believe you think that you’re right. Your mother was a hamster, your points are stupid, and you don’t understand science. SCIENCE.

    Also, this news anchor agrees with me, and he’s always right.

  • Ha ha…

  • I assume you’re either the parent of a small child or an economist.

  • This issue is important. It’s worth fighting for. I’m glad SOMEONE sees that.

  • It is, right?

  • TheWholeTruth

    You forgot one thing! English. Definitions of words not meaning what you mean when you say them so therefore you were wrong because you don’t even know the meaning of the words you are saying. Also, you said I was right when you contradicted yourself showing I was right and you were wrong. Oh, I didn’t comprehend what you were saying? Well if you could use the English language better then maybe I’d understand and you’d understand that what you were saying agrees with me. Listen. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.

  • Ed Minchau

    Well, that depends on what the meaning of “wrong” is. If, by “wrong”, you mean “not in the domain of negative incorrectness”, well, that would make you unable to disintermediate the negative connotations of not being not incorrect. Why can’t you think of the children? Also, SQUIRREL!

  • I don’t agree with you. But, then, how could I not?

  • James Pierre Hauck

    Because I’m 299% right!

  • One thing? This is more than one thing. So your response is now wrong.

  • Your are incorrectly correct.

  • Where?!?

  • I don’t know any numbers higher than 299, so I must assume this is the most right one can be.

  • Anton de Jong

    A parent of an economically small child, perhaps?

  • Anton de Jong

    Kelvin!

  • Microparent?

  • Bulls per sheet!

  • Pseudonym

    Hello. I came across this article long after every else did, which allows me to make a point with less fear of rebuttal by your usual audience.

    There is one technical error that you made in your argument. To the casual observer it may seem like a small error, but despite the fact that I don’t understand to what extent your argument depends on it, the mere fact that I spotted it allows me to cast smug doubt on the argument as a whole, as well as your education level and possibly your mental capacity.

    I close by comparing your argument to a mined quote from a hated historical figure, though I’m not sure which one yet as I desperately wish to avoid invoking Godwin’s Law.

  • Stephen Webb

    but…did you actually agree with him?

  • Invoking Godwin’s Law is the type of thing Hitler would do. Just mentioning it here rather makes you a Nazi. I, personally, would never stoop to such a thing.

  • I agree and disagree.

  • Pseudonym

    If we take this response, in conjunction with an out-of-context quote snippet from your original piece, and push it far beyond its logical conclusion, doom would clearly befall. This leads me to an unwarranted conclusion about your true beliefs, possible ulterior motives, and perhaps a financial interest courtesy of a powerful cabal which I believe exists.

    For a less biased opinion, disinterested readers should read my blog, which sets out my own personal beliefs about this (although none of it addresses your original argument in any way).

  • Guest

    Sorry, the new numbers are in.

  • Stop twisting the data to your own ends. This is actually a vertical chart.

  • SFX

    This article was mentioned in the middle of an discussion on xkcd. It is great article. It is funny, because it is true. I was going to try and be funny in this response, but realized I had no chance.

  • xkcd is great, and I didn’t know it was mentioned there. You HAVE added something to this response, if you consider making my day something.

  • SFX

    I am shocked and delighted you responded, I was going to link to the actual post, on the xkcd forum, but feared it would seem like spam. Also, after reading your delightful thoughts I posted a long and hilarious response there, inspired by your humor, and now I can’t post in that thread for a month.

    A small price to pay for being funny. Also, this work of yours is going to end up being dropped into many many discussions in the future. I hope you are ready for all the attention. When people start coming up to you on the street, in droves, in giant tsunamis of adoration, I suggest a horsehead mask for when you don’t want to be noticed in public.

    But I sense I may be wrong about this.

  • Boom: Call-back. Veteran commenting move. Respect!

  • SFX

    Ha! You lost me with your hipster internet slang. Are you going to get mad if I steal that line “Now let this chart hammer-punch some sense into you.”?

    That’s comedy gold.

  • Of course not. Hammer-punch away.

  • SFX

    Ha! I was just joking about theft. I will of course hyperlink any of your lines I use to this page. Respect.

  • Mark in Iowa

    The words are yours but the meaning is mine.

  • Anton de Jong

    That sounds to much like a microbrewery ;-)

  • richardstevenhack

    I just pull out my Glock and end the argument with people like these. Works every time.