List of Things to Do Before Wife Returns from Work Trip

The 10 things I need to do before my wife returns from her work trip.

1. Remove beer cans from shower

2. Put on shirt

3. Take out 8-foot-tall pile of recycling

4. Shave face

5. Replace video game controllers and hot sauce bottles on coffee table with books about Peruvian art

6. Throw away whatever is growing in the back of the fridge before it kills us all

7. Dust the dog

8. Sweep up all hallway tumbleweeds

9. Do 5 push-ups

10. Put on pants



Love is Confusing

Read a story about how a profession of love almost destroyed a friendship.


One time I was on the phone with my friend “Nick.” He was at work. I was at home. We were talking about what all men talk about on the phone: nothing.

He told me about his acting class. We made plans to see a comedy show. Then we performed our daily in-depth, “Pentagon Papers”-length critique of the previous night’s 6 p.m., 7:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. “Simpsons.”

Only men appreciate the subtlety of the dance, because only we can properly sidestep ever saying anything remotely meaningful for hours on end.

And so it came as a shock when, in mid-sentence, Nick cut me off and said “I love you.”


Continue reading “Love is Confusing”


Cracked’s David Wong Has Written the Most Useful Advice Column Ever

Read David Wong’s incredible advice column on the 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person.


I’m late to the game on this one–been traveling and dealing with a flooded apartment–but 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person by David Wong is one of the best advice columns I’ve read in a long time. Most advice columns are drivel, but this one–in Cracked of all places–actually offers useful advice. It resonated with me because I used to be the guy Wong talks about in this column–the guy who wonders why just being a nice guy isn’t good enough. If that’s you now, read this column, make some changes and then, because you’re probably still kind of a pushover, come over to my house and help me clean up my flooded office.


Real life Jerry and Elaine get hitched

I have a piece in the Los Angeles Times’ LA Affairs section. It’s about the night my wife and I got back together after being apart for eight years. It involved lots of Los Angeles places and things such as the Los Angeles Kings, Staples Center, Bossa Nova restaurant, the Fryman, Runyon and Griffith Park hiking trails, the Power House, iO West, the Red Lion Tavern, a boot of beer and the Nana Queens food truck, which is awesome, if you can find it.

Check it out here.

Image via Los Angeles Times