Political Humor

Reason Calls Me Fat

reason-fat-man

I made my debut on Reason.com today, and the libertarian publication called me fat. It’s OK. I wrote about being fat. Still, they could have said I was “ample” or “stout” or that my waistline was  “Keynesian.” They could have said: “Food Stimulus Victim Apologizes to His Fellow Taxpayers.” So much kinder and more accurate.

It all started a few weeks ago when the managing editor of Reason.com asked me to write a “non-deadly serious” take on Obamacare.

The resulting article, I’m happy to report, is probably the least serious opinion ever written about our national health care law.

It contains the following words:

  • lawn ornament
  • free-range meatballs
  • shorts
  • tater-tots
  • Queen of Wien

Feeling the heat yet, Tom Friedman?

In the article I wrote an apology to people who take good care of their bodies.

On behalf of everyone who’s ever put Doritos on their sandwich for extra crunch or drunken copious amounts of beer out of a lawn ornament while tailgating, I’d like to say, “I’m sorry.” With no chance of repeal or reform of Obamacare anytime soon, our personal health and finances are more closely intertwined than ever. Many of us are simply not up for this massive responsibility.

You can read the rest here.

The article is already starting to receive comments.

This was a good one.

The overweight guy is likely to die…He’s a net financial gain to society.

This next one I like better, mainly because it doesn’t involve my death.

I couldn’t survive in France. Ketchup is my favorite vegetable.

I am SO proud to finally be contributing to the important national discourse my fellow citizens are having about important federal legislation, ketchup and France.

– Twitter:@joedonatelli

 

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Why You Are Wrong

I disagree with you. I understand where you’re coming from, but I believe you’re mistaken, and I’ll explain why you are wrong.

First of all, the data backs up my point. I have facts out the waz. Your data are flawed, old, biased or incomplete. The people who collected your data are in prison for fraud or took funding from an evil billionaire who lives in a castle on a mountain where there is always lightning. My facts are bulletproof. They were gathered by humble grass roots researchers who love America and hate cancer. You can be forgiven for not having the same information that I do. People on “your side” don’t like to discuss data that annihilate their arguments. Now let this chart hammer-punch some sense into you.

chart

You can’t argue with these numbers!

More important than the data, though, is that my argument is just. I can see why you made the argument that you did, but you’re forgetting a whole host of injustices, tragedies and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style flying specters that would be loosed upon millions of people if you had your way. What I’m saying is that the moral arc of the universe bends towards my argument.

MLK.

Respect.

History has proved me correct on this point time and time again. From the Bible to the Renaissance to the Depression and WWII, my point was cemented repeatedly by real events and real people who suffered under the regimes of dogmatic fools like you. There are several authors who have made the very point I am making more eloquently than I have, and you can buy their books and read them in your spare time, which I suggest you do, because right now you’re uneducated and just talking out your butt.

kantI shall now appeal to authority by quoting a philosopher who agrees with my premise, thereby wrapping my argument in the wisdom of the ages. Yes, I said a philosopher—a guy who gets paid to sit around all day and think about stuff like this. Are you a philosopher? No? You don’t spend all day thinking about stuff? What’s that? This topic isn’t in your area of expertise at all? Just checking. Because my guy was thinking hard with his brain his whole life about stuff like this, and he agrees with me.

I should also mention—and it absolutely pains me to say this—that there are crazy people who agree with what you have to say. I’m not saying you’re crazy. I’m saying they’re crazy. But you’re both saying the same thing. Draw your own conclusions as to what this means.

And let us not forget that recent tragedy that was completely the fault of people of your ilk. It enraged the nation, and we all know it could have been prevented if the policies you agree with were not in place.

While your argument is completely incorrect, I do agree with you on one small, meaningless point. Doing so gives me some upper hand, because I now appear to be the more magnanimous party. No, I don’t see how it connects with the rest of your point. If anything, it bolsters mine. And, again, wasn’t it generous of me to reinforce my point with empty praise?

I think, in time, my friend, you will come to see the facts and agree with me. It’s just a matter of being exposed to the right thinkers, writers and life situations. It’s not your fault that you’re ignorant. You grew up in a certain part of the country. Everyone thinks the same there. I’m not blaming you. If anything, you’re one of the smart ones from there. I can’t blame you for not being enlightened like I am. You’re a victim of whatever it is that makes people think like you do.

Let’s just agree to disagree, but let’s also agree that I’m more right.

– Twitter: @joedonatelli

UPDATE: Jeff Bezos totally stole my chart.



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A List of The Atlantic’s Never-Ending ‘The End of’ Stories

end-men

The Atlantic really likes saying things have ended. Take, for example, men. (Still here, Hanna Rosin.)

What follows is an incomplete list of “The End of” stories from The Atlantic. I compiled them while procrastinating a copy-writing project, AKA The End of Productivity.

The End of Tanning

The End of the Internet

The End of Men

The End of Women’s History Month

The End of Violent, Simplistic, Macho Masculinity

The End of Age, Race and Gender

The End of the Battle of the Sexes

The End of TV

The End of Property

The End of Games

The End of Cats

The End of Soda

The End of Candy

The End of the College Roommate

The End of the Home Computer

The End of Computers

The End of the Cash Register

The End of the Senate

The End of Giftedness

The End of Hatred

The End of Jazz

The End of Penn State Football

The End of 9/11

The End of China’s Ashtray Diplomacy

The End of Serena Williams

The End of Ahmadinejad

The End of Sarkozy

The End of Dick Cheney’s Kill Squads

The End of South African Exceptionalism

The End of Presidential Privacy in France

Obama and the End of the Imperial Presidency

The End of Hope and Change

The End of Pax Americana

The End of Isolation

The End of Pluralism

The End of Labor

The End of Job Growth

The End of Middle Class Growth

The End of the Middle Class Century 

 The End of Hyperconsumerism

The End of Retirement as We Know It

The End of the Hangup

The End of Spam?

The End of Expertise?

The End of Privacy?

End of Trading at Goldman Sachs?

The End of the MSM?

The End of the Tea Party?

The End of Moral Hazard?

The End of Free Speech at the University of Colorado?

The End of China’s One-Child Policy?

 The End of Food Tourism?

The End of Celebrity?

The End of the iPhone?

The End of Faceless Victims 

The End of White America

The End of the Checkbook

The End of Retail

The End of the Mall Rat

 The End of Borders

The End of Chinatown

The End of Sprawl

The End of Ownership

 The End of Pro-Choice

The End of Evangelical Dominance in Politics

The End of Laughing at Marijuana Reformers

The End of Magical Oil

The End of the Gay Tax

The End of Adorkable

The End of The Pledge

The End of Photojournalism

The Beginning of the End of Manny Pacquiao

The Beginning of the End of Suburban America

It’s the Beginning of the End for the Apple App Store

The End of Global Warming

The End of the Story

Preparing for the End of the World

The End of History

End Times

Ironically, The Atlantic’s review of the movie This is The End was rather mixed.

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The Hunt for Warm October

warm-october

“America’s top military officer in charge of monitoring hostile actions by North Korea, escalating tensions between China and Japan, and a spike in computer attacks traced to China provides an unexpected answer when asked what is the biggest long-term security threat in the Pacific region: climate change.”  – Boston Globe

If Tom Clancy wrote The Hunt for Red October today…

Marko Alexandrovich Ramius, a Lithuanian submarine commander in the Soviet Navy, intends to defect to the United States with his officers on board the experimental nuclear submarine Red October, a Typhoon-class vessel equipped with a revolutionary stealth propulsion system that makes sonar detection extremely difficult. The result is a strategic weapon platform that is capable of sneaking its way into American waters and launching nuclear missiles with little or no warning. The Soviet Northern Fleet sails out to sink Red October under the pretext of a search and rescue mission. Meanwhile, Jack Ryan, a high-level CIA analyst, flies from London to Langley, Virginia, to deliver an update on climate change’s effects on U.S. frigate docking to the Deputy Director of Intelligence.

When the stealth drive is engaged, Red October disappears off the sonar of the USS Dallas, a Los Angeles class submarine that is tracking whale migration affected by the latest pretty-strong-storm-but-not-quite-a-hurricane off the East Coast.

As tensions rise between the U.S. and Soviet fleets, the crew of Dallas discover a way to detect a distant blue whale pod.

Ryan must contact Ramius to prevent the Red October from interfering with blue whale migration. Through a combination of circumstances, Ryan becomes responsible for shepherding Ramius and his vessel.

In order to convince the Soviets that Red October has been destroyed, the U.S. Navy rescues her crew after Ramius fakes a shipboard emergency — a warmer than usual October, the harbinger of catastrophic climate change.

These events succeed in convincing Soviet observers that Red October has been lost and that the Atlantic is totally uninhabitable. However, GRU intelligence officer Viktor Loginov, masquerading as Red October’s cook, realizes what is happening. Ryan attempts to persuade the fiercely patriotic Loginov to acknowledge climate change rather than die in our slightly warmer dystopic future, but he refuses to understand the controversial “hockey stick” global warming graph. He manages to kill Loginov in the submarine’s missile compartment.

Captain Viktor Tupolev, a former student of Ramius and commander of a Soviet Alfa-class attack submarine, has been trailing what he initially believes is an Ohio-class vessel. Based on acoustical signature information, Tupolev and his political officer realize that it is Red October, and proceed to pursue and engage it. The two U.S. submarines escorting Red October are unable to fire due to a nearby school of snipe eels, and Red October is damaged by a torpedo from the Alfa. After a tense standoff, Red October rams Tupolev’s submarine broadside and sinks it.

The Americans escort Red October safely into the eight-ten dry dock in Norfolk, Va., where Ramius and his crew are taken to a CIA safehouse to begin their Americanization at a Whole Foods. Ryan is commended by his superiors for the collateral damage of only a few humans killed and no animals harmed.

If you enjoyed The Hunt for Warm October, you might also enjoy:

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