If Your Are a Humor Writer, Your 2012 Presidential Election Choice is Clear: Vote Joe Biden for Vice President

The Humor Columnist endorses Joe Biden for vice president in the 2012 election.

The nation stands at a stark crossroads. We can continue down a path that will lead us to fiscal insolvency and protracted wars overseas, or we can alter our course today at the ballot box and place America’s future in the hands of a guy who will pretty much do the same things. The choice is obvious. We’re totally screwed, so we might as well have a few laughs, and that is why The Humor Columnist is endorsing Joe Biden for Vice President.

Normally publications endorse a president. The vice president is an afterthought. But this is no normal election. This is an election between two men–President Obama and Gov. Romney–who pretty much agree on everything except for abortion (Obama thinks they should be mandatory for all births) and gay rights (Romney would like to see all gays forced to wear pink hats so that he can identify them publicly.) When candidates are this close in their beliefs, you have to look at the rest of the ticket, and as a humor writer, I have to give the hilarity edge to Biden over Paul Ryan, in spite of these photos.

It’s easy to forget, with the focus on Obama and Romney, just how much joy America’s Drunk Uncle, Joe Biden, has given us these last four years. I’ll run through some highlights. Our vice president has publicly thanked Dr. Pepper (we all should!), called Ireland’s leader a drunk, put supporters to sleep with his speeches, told the city of San Francisco its football team will not go to the Super Bowl, joked about the Secret Service shooting a Florida government employee, plagiarized two presidents, dispensed dating advice to young single women (more than once), said the Cleveland Plain Dealer was in Florida, accused his opponent of wanting to make a $500 trillion tax cut (there are only $15 trillion in the economy), said he is “supposedly” an expert on foreign affairs, promised to run for president, promised to give America “the whole load” in a speech, made an inappropriate comment about Indians and forgot where he was — all on the same day, asked the father of a slain soldier about the size of his son’s balls, talked about his parents having sex, accidentally forced the president to take a stand on gay marriage, said middle class people live in unattractive homes, thinks this is the 20th century, called the 9/11 anniversary “bittersweet,” forgot he was in Ohio, said the Republicans will enslave people, forgot what The Everglades were called and promoted free butt-health to all of America.

And this is just the stuff we know about. Behind closed doors? When his guard is down?

I don’t know, but I’d like four more years to find out.

America, the choice is clear.

Dr. Pepper for vice president.

UPDATE: I just want to thank America for reelecting Joe Biden as vice president. I’ll keep tracking his many gaffes, blunders and international incidents on Pinterest.

Share

Democrats’ election spam tastes familiar

Joe Biden, Al Gore, Barack Obama and other Democrats are really pouring on the election spam, Peter Funt writes in The New York Times.

Peter Funt wrote a funny article about election spam for The New York Times. (I know. It’s weird writing funny and New York Times in the same sentence. You’ll just have to trust me.) From the article:

8:25 a.m. Received an urgent e-mail from Al Gore with an unsettling subject line: “Disaster.” Turns out the former vice president wanted to tell me that the Republican Party had been “hijacked by an extremist fringe,” and I should send “$3 or more” a.s.a.p. Now, I’m a fan of the former vice president and, considering some of the blather I’ve heard recently from the Tea Party, it didn’t surprise me to learn that the G.O.P. had been hijacked. But I’m beginning to worry that it’s the Democrats who are now controlled by an extremist fringe — of e-mail writers. These are some of the genuine campaign e-mails I received over just two days recently:

Read Peter Funt’s election spam piece “Al and Joe Lead the Spam Squad” here.

More political humor from The Humor Columnist:

Rick Santorum’s email inbox

Texts from Hillary is very Hillary

Remembering James ‘Sugar Boots’ Franklin

Follow The Humor Columnist on Twitter and Joe Donatelli on Facebook.

 

Share

Joe Biden thanks Dr. Pepper

Watch a video of Joe Biden thanking Dr. Pepper

Human Gaffe Machine Joe Biden can’t let 10 minutes go by without making President Obama face-palm himself. Here’s Vice President Biden thanking Dr. Pepper for committing to American in-sourcing, which I’m pretty sure is a word that Biden just made up. If Obama loses the 2012 election, I hope there’s some way we can keep America’s Drunk Uncle in the spotlight. The man is a comedy gift who just keeps on giving and giving and giving.

And here’s this: More Joe Biden humor 

Share

America’s drunk uncle Joe Biden strikes again

Video: Joe Biden says the Prime Minister of Ireland is lubricated

In this video gaffe machine Joe Biden more or less calls the prime minister of Ireland a drunk. Lubricated is the word Biden uses, and in case you didn’t get the joke the first time, he explains it, because he’s America’s drunk uncle.

Share

I would like to congratulate model/actor Joe Donatelli on being the handsomest Joe Donatelli in America

This is weird. I found a guy with the same name as me.

Because my vanity knows no rational bounds I force Google to tell me every time my name is published online. It’s called a Google News Alert. With it I can make Google send me an email whenever any combination of words, for example “Cleveland Browns News” or “Joe Biden Mistakenly Calls Black Man a Midget,” appear on a major website or blog.

Mainly I receive Google News Alerts so I can be informed when my articles are published.

Here’s how it works if you’re a freelance writer. I pitch an idea. The editor approves it. I write the article and email it to the editor. The editor tells me he likes it.

Then several months pass, during which the editor hopes I forget I wrote the article so he does not have to pay me.

Continue reading “I would like to congratulate model/actor Joe Donatelli on being the handsomest Joe Donatelli in America”

Share