If Your Are a Humor Writer, Your 2012 Presidential Election Choice is Clear: Vote Joe Biden for Vice President

The Humor Columnist endorses Joe Biden for vice president in the 2012 election.

The nation stands at a stark crossroads. We can continue down a path that will lead us to fiscal insolvency and protracted wars overseas, or we can alter our course today at the ballot box and place America’s future in the hands of a guy who will pretty much do the same things. The choice is obvious. We’re totally screwed, so we might as well have a few laughs, and that is why The Humor Columnist is endorsing Joe Biden for Vice President.

Normally publications endorse a president. The vice president is an afterthought. But this is no normal election. This is an election between two men–President Obama and Gov. Romney–who pretty much agree on everything except for abortion (Obama thinks they should be mandatory for all births) and gay rights (Romney would like to see all gays forced to wear pink hats so that he can identify them publicly.) When candidates are this close in their beliefs, you have to look at the rest of the ticket, and as a humor writer, I have to give the hilarity edge to Biden over Paul Ryan, in spite of these photos.

It’s easy to forget, with the focus on Obama and Romney, just how much joy America’s Drunk Uncle, Joe Biden, has given us these last four years. I’ll run through some highlights. Our vice president has publicly thanked Dr. Pepper (we all should!), called Ireland’s leader a drunk, put supporters to sleep with his speeches, told the city of San Francisco its football team will not go to the Super Bowl, joked about the Secret Service shooting a Florida government employee, plagiarized two presidents, dispensed dating advice to young single women (more than once), said the Cleveland Plain Dealer was in Florida, accused his opponent of wanting to make a $500 trillion tax cut (there are only $15 trillion in the economy), said he is “supposedly” an expert on foreign affairs, promised to run for president, promised to give America “the whole load” in a speech, made an inappropriate comment about Indians and forgot where he was — all on the same day, asked the father of a slain soldier about the size of his son’s balls, talked about his parents having sex, accidentally forced the president to take a stand on gay marriage, said middle class people live in unattractive homes, thinks this is the 20th century, called the 9/11 anniversary “bittersweet,” forgot he was in Ohio, said the Republicans will enslave people, forgot what The Everglades were called and promoted free butt-health to all of America.

And this is just the stuff we know about. Behind closed doors? When his guard is down?

I don’t know, but I’d like four more years to find out.

America, the choice is clear.

Dr. Pepper for vice president.

UPDATE: I just want to thank America for reelecting Joe Biden as vice president. I’ll keep tracking his many gaffes, blunders and international incidents on Pinterest.

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Guy pees on hill behind President Obama…for freedom!

A man peed on a hill while President Obama gave a speech. So…caption time!

A man answers the call of nature on a hill behind President Obama

A man peed on a hill while President Obama gave a speech in Cincinnati. So…caption time!

Man, Obama voters are pissed.

Here is yet another leak from the Obama administration.

Hey, where’s Biden?

Time to redistribute that Mountain Dew!

No, he didn’t make that. Someone made that for him. No, wait, he definitely made that.

Someone get Joe the Plumber down here.

Hey, look, there’s a metaphor for our foreign policy over on that hill.

Call in the drones!

This man’s private sector is doing just fine.

Photo via Twitchy

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Another great generic election column

Great minds really do think alike. On August 19 A. Barton Hinkle penned an intentionally boilerplate partisan election column entitled “The wrong side absolutely must not win.

It starts:

“The past several weeks have made one thing crystal-clear: Our country faces unmitigated disaster if the Other Side wins. No reasonably intelligent person can deny this. All you have to do is look at the way the Other Side has been running its campaign. Instead of focusing on the big issues that are important to the American People, it has fired a relentlessly negative barrage of distortions, misrepresentations and flat-out lies.”

Then on August 20 Ramesh Ponnuru wrote an intentionally boilerplate partisan election column titled, “I’m Right, You’re Wrong and Other Political Truths.”

After a quote from Alexis de Tocqueville, it starts:

“I can’t stand the people on your side. Not you, particularly. You’re fine. It’s your side that’s ruining everything great about this country. Your side lies shamelessly. Your leaders just make things up. And you just follow them blindly, like sheep — like blind sheep. You hang out with people who think just like you, and listen only to shows where you’ll hear your own views repeated. It’s an echo chamber of lies!”

Ponnuru called the timing “an odd coincidence,” which is what it appears to be.

Both pieces are good, and if you read them, you won’t have to read E.J. Dionne, Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Charles Krauthammer or David Brooks between now and the election.

You’re very welcome.

Image via Jane Ballback

 

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Every political election column ever: Ramesh Ponnuru’s ‘I’m Right, You’re Wrong and Other Political Truths’

‘I’m Right, You’re Wrong and Other Political Truths’ by Ramesh Ponnuru is some of the best political humor of the 2012 election.

Ramesh Ponnuru’s ‘I’m Right, You’re Wrong and Other Political Truths’ is what every partisan election column, Internet article comment and dumb Facebook post from both Democrats and Republicans sounds like to Americans who think the Republicans and Democrats should not be entrusted with any position more important than Detroit horseshoer.

Read it and you pretty much won’t have to read another word about the 2012 presidential election between now and November.

Thank you for this excellent piece of 2012 election humor, Ramesh Ponnuru.

More 2012 presidential election humor:

Finally, a political party for me

Democrats’ election spam tastes familiar

Rick Santorum’s email inbox

 

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Democrats’ election spam tastes familiar

Joe Biden, Al Gore, Barack Obama and other Democrats are really pouring on the election spam, Peter Funt writes in The New York Times.

Peter Funt wrote a funny article about election spam for The New York Times. (I know. It’s weird writing funny and New York Times in the same sentence. You’ll just have to trust me.) From the article:

8:25 a.m. Received an urgent e-mail from Al Gore with an unsettling subject line: “Disaster.” Turns out the former vice president wanted to tell me that the Republican Party had been “hijacked by an extremist fringe,” and I should send “$3 or more” a.s.a.p. Now, I’m a fan of the former vice president and, considering some of the blather I’ve heard recently from the Tea Party, it didn’t surprise me to learn that the G.O.P. had been hijacked. But I’m beginning to worry that it’s the Democrats who are now controlled by an extremist fringe — of e-mail writers. These are some of the genuine campaign e-mails I received over just two days recently:

Read Peter Funt’s election spam piece “Al and Joe Lead the Spam Squad” here.

More political humor from The Humor Columnist:

Rick Santorum’s email inbox

Texts from Hillary is very Hillary

Remembering James ‘Sugar Boots’ Franklin

Follow The Humor Columnist on Twitter and Joe Donatelli on Facebook.

 

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