I have a very important business question. When did business cards shrink down to the size of chewing gum stick wrappers? And how come no one told me this was happening? Was there a meeting? I should have been invited. I have very strong opinions about stupid things like this.
It’s embarrassing when someone hands you a mini business card and the look on your face is “Where is the rest of your business card?” and the look on their face is “I’m saving the environment so hard right now” and the look on your face is “May I borrow someone’s magnifying glass?”
It’s a business faux pas. And I hate making business fauxes pases. It’s why I always squeeze real tight during handshakes. A firm handshake says to a potential client, “I have integrity and a gym membership.” A limp handshake says, “I’m saving my energy to steal your clients and sleep with your wife.” These are the facts of business. Take it from someone who’s in the game.
What was wrong with the old way we did business cards? They were fine. Fit in your wallet. Fit in your front pocket. You could write things on the back like “call Dave about new product line” or “has 2 kids—Cynthia and Dawson” or “corn stuck in teeth at dinner.” The old way we did business cards worked. They got results. At no point did we, as a nation, suffer from an epidemic of business people not being able to contact each other by phone, email, mail or fax. That’s a credit to the old way. Big business cards got the job done. Now our global financial future is uncertain.
That’s because new-style mini business cards are easily lost in the chaos of modern pockets. They look stupid inside your wallet. They’re virtually invisible in a business lady’s purse. Oh, hold on a second, let me get my business cards … 45 MINUTES GO BY … here it is. But the other party is gone, having vanished into the business night.
Imagine if Steve Wozniak spent a few minutes fumbling through his pockets looking for a mini business card to give to Steve Jobs. You think Jobs is going to just stand there and wait? Hell, no. He’s going to get bored and walk away and start innovating things. With these new business cards, we might never have had Apple, Twitter or a Hall AND Oates.
Me? I’m a trend-setter, but there’s no way I’m getting mini business cards. I prefer to go against the grain. I’m ordering my next round of business cards the size of postcards, maybe bigger. I want people to remember meeting me. Joe? He’s the guy who gave me a business card the size of an Alpine ski lodge brochure. Couldn’t fit the damn thing in my pocket. Busted out the interior lining of my suit. But I remembered meeting him, and now we do $10 million in business together, and that’s just domestic.
Memorable business contact achieved.
That’s how you revitalize the economy. You don’t go small. You go unnecessarily large – the paper makers, ink suppliers, printers and tailors, they all benefit.
I love America, I love business, and I love the way things used to be. I say #downwithminibusinesscard.
Image via Moo