The nation stands at a stark crossroads. We can continue down a path that will lead us to fiscal insolvency and protracted wars overseas, or we can alter our course today at the ballot box and place America’s future in the hands of a guy who will pretty much do the same things. The choice is obvious. We’re totally screwed, so we might as well have a few laughs, and that is why The Humor Columnist is endorsing Joe Biden for Vice President.
Normally publications endorse a president. The vice president is an afterthought. But this is no normal election. This is an election between two men–President Obama and Gov. Romney–who pretty much agree on everything except for abortion (Obama thinks they should be mandatory for all births) and gay rights (Romney would like to see all gays forced to wear pink hats so that he can identify them publicly.) When candidates are this close in their beliefs, you have to look at the rest of the ticket, and as a humor writer, I have to give the hilarity edge to Biden over Paul Ryan, in spite of these photos.
It’s easy to forget, with the focus on Obama and Romney, just how much joy America’s Drunk Uncle, Joe Biden, has given us these last four years. I’ll run through some highlights. Our vice president has publicly thanked Dr. Pepper (we all should!), called Ireland’s leader a drunk, put supporters to sleep with his speeches, told the city of San Francisco its football team will not go to the Super Bowl, joked about the Secret Service shooting a Florida government employee, plagiarized two presidents, dispensed dating advice to young single women (more than once), said the Cleveland Plain Dealer was in Florida, accused his opponent of wanting to make a $500 trillion tax cut (there are only $15 trillion in the economy), said he is “supposedly” an expert on foreign affairs, promised to run for president, promised to give America “the whole load” in a speech, made an inappropriate comment about Indians and forgot where he was — all on the same day, asked the father of a slain soldier about the size of his son’s balls, talked about his parents having sex, accidentally forced the president to take a stand on gay marriage, said middle class people live in unattractive homes, thinks this is the 20th century, called the 9/11 anniversary “bittersweet,” forgot he was in Ohio, said the Republicans will enslave people, forgot what The Everglades were called and promoted free butt-health to all of America.
And this is just the stuff we know about. Behind closed doors? When his guard is down?
I don’t know, but I’d like four more years to find out.
America, the choice is clear.
Dr. Pepper for vice president.
UPDATE: I just want to thank America for reelecting Joe Biden as vice president. I’ll keep tracking his many gaffes, blunders and international incidents on Pinterest.