This is a travesty, the greatest travesty in the history of comedy.
The Fort Podcast, which is co-hosted by my so-called friends (from left to right) Kevin Ford, Ed Galvez and Mike Costantini, has been on the air (or whatever the Internet is) since February of 2010. And you know how many times those ungrateful louts have had me on their show?
These slobbering troglodytes have never once invited me to be on their dumb show.
Which is kind of funny, because when I had a dumb show, I invited them on it.
Mike and I created The Second Column podcast together and Kevin and Ed were frequent guests. In fact, you might say The Second Column was more than partially responsible for the The Fort getting together in the first place. If those three drunken morons hadn’t locked eyes in the studio and started fantasizing about how much more fun The Second Column would be without me and Carlos and Sean there might be no Fort for me not to be invited on.
And Sean’s been on The Fort.
He was the least funny guy on The Second Column.
Carlos I could understand. He does characters.
Phil Ranta had me on his Sports Sports Sports podcast before you mouth-breathers did. (Oh, and by the way, I killed.)
The sad truth is it wouldn’t have taken much to make me happy, fellas. It really wouldn’t have. I would have been pleased to be the show’s Tony Randall, the guy you call when the other guy couldn’t make it. I lived in the damn house the first 15 months you recorded the show. You can hear me microwaving BBQ chicken in the background.
As you three complete pieces of human garbage may or may not know, I am spending this fall in Ohio, but before I go I intend to settle all family business.
Gentlemen, and Kevin, how long will you continue to snub me? How long will you wastes of air and food deprive all of The Fort’s tens of stoned listeners the pleasure of my comedy? When will this madness end?
I await your invitation, which I expect to be written on ancient parchment, in calligraphy, of course, delivered in a gold-embossed envelope sealed with the tears of your regret.
UPDATE: Victory! Ed said I will be one of the next two guests on the show. Thanks to everyone who Tweeted and Facebooked. I appreciate the support. Will let you know when it airs.
UPDATE: Our high-pressure tactics worked. I did the show. More here.