Updated: How Long Will The Fort Continue to Snub Me?

The Fort podcast has snubbed Joe Donatelli long enough. He will now rain fire and damnation upon the heads of Kevin, Mike and Ed.

This is a travesty, the greatest travesty in the history of comedy.

The Fort Podcast, which is co-hosted by my so-called friends (from left to right) Kevin Ford, Ed Galvez and Mike Costantini, has been on the air (or whatever the Internet is) since February of 2010. And you know how many times those ungrateful louts have had me on their show?

Zero.

Zero times.

These slobbering troglodytes have never once invited me to be on their dumb show.

Which is kind of funny, because when I had a dumb show, I invited them on it.

Mike and I created The Second Column podcast together and Kevin and Ed were frequent guests. In fact, you might say The Second Column was more than partially responsible for the The Fort getting together in the first place. If those three drunken morons hadn’t locked eyes in the studio and started fantasizing about how much more fun The Second Column would be without me and Carlos and Sean there might be no Fort for me not to be invited on.

And Sean’s been on The Fort.

Sean!

He was the least funny guy on The Second Column.

Carlos I could understand. He does characters.

But Sean?

Come on.

Phil Ranta had me on his Sports Sports Sports podcast before you mouth-breathers did. (Oh, and by the way, I killed.)

The sad truth is it wouldn’t have taken much to make me happy, fellas. It really wouldn’t have. I would have been pleased to be the show’s Tony Randall, the guy you call when the other guy couldn’t make it. I lived in the damn house the first 15 months you recorded the show. You can hear me microwaving BBQ chicken in the background.

As you three complete pieces of human garbage may or may not know, I am spending this fall in Ohio, but before I go I intend to settle all family business.

Gentlemen, and Kevin, how long will you continue to snub me? How long will you wastes of air and food deprive all of The Fort’s tens of stoned listeners the pleasure of my comedy? When will this madness end?

I await your invitation, which I expect to be written on ancient parchment, in calligraphy, of course, delivered in a gold-embossed envelope sealed with the tears of your regret.

 

UPDATE: If you’re on Twitter, let @thefortcast know that @joedonatelli should be on the show. Let’s #occupythefortcast.


UPDATE:
Victory! Ed said I will be one of the next two guests on the show. Thanks to everyone who Tweeted and Facebooked. I appreciate the support. Will let you know when it airs.


UPDATE:
Our high-pressure tactics worked. I did the show. More here.

 

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

 

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Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.

  • I’m not saying you don’t have a point, but maybe instead of being all in a snit about it, you should bribe them with home-made cookies, like I did. Or write them into a sketch. Like I did. Or be as cute as me. …Wait. I haven’t been on, either, just mentioned! What the fuck, guys!

  • See, that’s why being all in a snit works best.

  • Never really thought about it, but that is pretty pathetic on their part. I enjoy The Fort a lot of the time, but I guess their dance card has been too full with some of the worst stand-up comedians whose interviews I’ve ever fast-forwarded through.

  • I enjoy it, too. Don’t be so hard on the guests, Dan. Consider what they had to work with. 

  • This is madness indeed!

  • Thank you, Kevin, for having the courage to publicly acknowledge The Fort’s deepest (non-food-related) shame.

  • Joe – Let me know if I need to send my alter-ego Flame over there. She’d be more than happy to rough ’em up for you. 

  • I’m not sure these kids could handle it, Jane. Thanks!