I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’re experiencing a nationwide increase in Hitlers. Everywhere you go online, someone is being called Hitler. Or a Nazi.
Story about President Obama? Check the comments. He’s the new Hitler. Profile of Sen. Ted Cruz? That guy is a Nazi. Did the school board ban gluten? It’s Munich all over again. (Munich, for those of you who did not study WWII, once banned gluten.)
In these modern times, there is no escaping Hitler.
(I will not buy this evil tea kettle, JC Penny.)
There is a reason for the resurgence of Hitlers, and it’s called Godwin’s Law. Godwin’s Law is named after its creator, Mike Godwin, and it states, “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches.”
In case you have not noticed and need me to point it out, Mike Godwin, with his fascist penchant for forcing accurate labels on things, is quite the Hitler.
My job, freelance writing, requires me to spend a lot of time procrastinating. Every day while I am supposed to be working on important articles about conversations between beer and tequila, I surf the Web. I can confirm that when you hang around Internet comment sections, you spend a lot of time either disagreeing with Hitlers or agreeing with Hitlers or being called Hitler.
It is within these comment sections that you also inevitably cross paths with a large number of people who believe it’s awful that California hasn’t fallen into the ocean. This happens far more often than you think. When a news story from California makes our state look bad, which is usually all of them, some wise guy inevitably comments, “I hope California will fall in the ocean!” This comment is greeted with up-votes and likes and other digital high-fives from people usually named “Bill” from places called “Alabama.”
Personally, I oppose California falling into the ocean. Not just because I live here and would drown. I think that when most Internet commenters wish for California to fall into the ocean they’re being shortsighted.
If California fell in the ocean, the United States would lose 12 percent of its population and 13 percent of its economy, including sizeable portions of the technology, entertainment, defense and food industries. The national supply of Baldwin brothers would take a serious hit. What’s left of the West Coast would be defenseless against the Russians, Chinese and possibly the Canadians, who are entirely too polite not to be up to something. America would be in trouble.
I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say California falling into the ocean is exactly what Hitler would want.
That is why, in the national interest, I am taking this occasion to encourage Internet commenters to wish alternative states into the ocean.
Take Vermont. Vermont has the smallest economy in the country. Heck, it might not even have an economy. I don’t know anyone who’s ever seen it. It would be weeks before anyone noticed Vermont was missing. Added bonus: New Hampshire would finally have the room it needs to develop as an individual.
Mississippi has the most gonorrhea in the country. (Hey, congratulations.) I like everyone I’ve ever met from Mississippi. If Mississippi fell in the ocean, I’d miss it. But let’s be honest. No one would miss all that gonorrhea.
And what’s going on in Tennessee? It’s the most dangerous state in the union, much to the shock of New York and disappointment of New Jersey. It would be irresponsible not to consider sinking it with our navy.
How sad would anyone be if they never heard from another Boston sports fan again? Exactly. Massachusetts, sorry, but we liked you a lot better when your sports teams were cursed.
Utah. Ever tried to get a drink in Utah? See you, Utah.
You, too, Pennsylvania. If a man wants to buy a six-pack and a bottle of whiskey at 10:01 PM on a Tuesday, he shouldn’t have to drive to Delaware, which is another largely unnecessary state.
New York and Washington, D.C., you are responsible for our sagging economy. May your next bailout be from a raft.
There comes a time as a responsible, adult nation when we must ask, “Do we really need Florida?”
Sure, it serves some purpose, but what? Can anyone say anymore?
Predicting natural disasters is difficult business. What if The Big One hits and the fault line cracks and it’s the rest of the United States that falls in the ocean? That would be awful for us Californians, because it would make the baseball regular season pretty boring, but we would still have the ninth-largest economy in the world, plus army, air force, marine and naval bases as well as Hollywood, Silicon Valley, Napa and, most critically, the remaining Baldwin brothers.
We’d be fine.
Even the Hitler-loving Nazis who run our local government can’t Munich that up.
UPDATE: Musicians who think California will fall into the ocean. Let me know if I missed any. I’m sure I did.