These funny mafia headlines are killer

Check out 10 funny mafia headlines

There is nothing funny about what the mafia does. It kills people. It steals money from small businessmen. It corrupts government officials. But there is something funny about the mafia, and much of that humor comes from the fact that an organization that breaks the rules for profit relies heavily on rules to remain profitable. Also, there are the names. How can any adult go through life with the name “Tommy Sneakers” or “Jackie the Nose”? It starts to explain the rage.

Author Malcolm Kushner reached out to The Humor Columnist to review The Official Book of Mob Humor. Normally this site reviews books about humor writing or by well-known humor writers, but Kushner is the first author who has ever contacted me on his own, and for this he must be rewarded.

The “Official Book of Mob Humor” is the funniest book of mob humor I have ever read. I plead the fifth as to if I have ever read any others. Kushner delivers a comprehensive catalog of mafia jokes, mafia stories and mafia movie quotes–truly an offer you can’t refuse. He also pays homage to the real bosses of mob humor in America–newspaper editors. The book is filled with clever and funny mafia newspaper headlines that are perfect for wrapping a dead fish and sending to your enemies.

For fun, and because I wanted to reward him for boldly going where no other author has gone with The Humor Columnist, I asked Kushner to share his 10 favorite mafia newspaper headlines. He obliged. Well, he obliged eventually. “I gotta take care of a thing first,” he told me.

In no particular order…

10. Whack-a-moll (New York Post)
funny mafia headline

9. Tats all, folks (New York Post)
sammy bull

8. Remade Men (New York Post)
Gotti headline

7. Yule be sorry (New York Post)
funny mob headline

6. The ‘hole’ truth (New York Post)
undertaker headline

5. Bury clever mobsters (New York Post)
double decker coffins

4. The ‘rise’ guys (New York Post)
mafia viagra

3. Judge gives wiseguy a weigh out of jail (New York Daily News)
judge blockhead

2. Mobster didn’t kill time, just his boss (New York Daily News)

funny headline

1. Meat-shop mob guy will never loin (New York Daily News)
Joseph (Junior) Chilli, who was a fixture in Belfiore Meats on Victory Blvd. along with the sausage, chopped meat and steaks



Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.

  • Oh, these are crazy funny. I think the one with “loin” is my favorite, because it makes me think of old Three Stooges or Marx Brothers movies. And clearly, I would not make a good mobster, because it would never occur to me to hide a body in a double-decker casket.

  • I think the loin one is my favorite too, because it sounds like how I imagine gangsters talk. (Even though they probably have not talked like that since the 1920s.)

  • I appreciate the “loin” header, too! But, I think my favorite is the “Yule be Sorry” one. It’s also pretty funny that the guy ratted because he was angry with a $50 Xmas gift. I’m happy if I get a $25 Forever 21 gift card from my friends for Xmas!

  • Brandi–Christmas is a tense time for all of us, even mafia guys.

  • “Rise Guys” gets me. Hey, is Rao’s still around? Must be good — if you don’t get lead poisoning by forgetting to duck.

  • Ha! Spoken like a true film noir word snooper, Judy.