Finally, a high school film for rich bullies

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Dave Barry: Dave Barry’s 2011 Year in Review
“As the year wore on, frustration finally boiled over in the form of the Occupy Various Random Spaces movement, wherein people who were sick and tired of a lot of stuff finally got off their butts and started working for meaningful change via direct action in the form of sitting around and forming multiple committees and drumming and not directly issuing any specific demands but definitely having a lot of strongly held views for and against a wide variety of things.”

Andy Borowitz: Romney Jubilant After Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest
“Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.”

Soren Bowie: The first high school movie for rich bullies
A Warrior’s Heart revolves around two private-schooled, white-toothed teens named Conor and Brooklyn as they fall in love over completely surmountable odds. Together, they build a steamy and muscular love triangle between each other and their shared passion for lacrosse.”

Joe Donatelli: 4 Evolutionary Explanations for Modern Annoyances
“This reminds me of the BBC’s Walking with Cavemen, a documentary that featured a shocking amount of caveman dong and also explained how cavemen lived. The men walked together. They hunted together. They scouted together. They fought in war together. It was in their interests to get along. The cavemen from the documentary were just like the guys from Entourage, with the main exception being that Vincent Chase is the only caveman dong on that show.”

Colin McEnroe: Malloy Consolidates, It’s Reorganize All Over Again
“We were young, and we did not understand that this happens every 10 years and that, buried somewhere in state government — possibly within the State Office of Flow Charts — is a Department of Neuralization, consisting of one little man with an outer space weapon which he uses periodically to erase everybody’s memory so that government consolidation will always seem like a fresh and exciting prospect.”

Jim Shea: There’s Nothing Common About The Common Cold
“Then there are the strategic sniffles, which are deployed to, say, show the boss that while you may be near death you have managed to nonetheless drag yourself into the office.”

Gene Weingarten: Help Gene Weingarten win an AK-47
“I want that gun. Please help me get it.”

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Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.