Christmas 2013 Talking Points

Afraid you’ll get stuck in a dead-end conversation this Christmas season? Just follow these Christmas 2013 Talking Points to avoid awkward pauses.

christmas-talking-points

I’m going to be seeing friends and family members in Cleveland over the next few days, and there will be much talk about news, politics, weather and local sports. There is nothing I dread more than a lull in the conversation, so I’ve created these Christmas 2013 Talking Points to get me through the holiday party season with a minimum of awkward pauses. You are welcome to add your own.

POLITICS

“These Democrats—can you believe the nerve of these guys?”

“Republicans just don’t get it.”

“It’s all because of gridlock we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of gerrymandering we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of money in politics we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of lobbyists we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of the unions we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of low-information voters we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of ivory tower elites we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of the media we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of Congress we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of the Supreme Court we can’t get nothing done.”

“It’s all because of the president we can’t get nothing done.”

“And meanwhile the president is on vacation!”

CROWD PLEASER #1

What’s wrong with Miley Cyrus? That girl’s got a screw loose somewhere, I think. Can someone explain twerking to me? I don’t get it!

LOCAL SPORTS

“The Browns stink.”

“The Cavs stink.”

“The Indians were good last year, but they’re gonna stink.”

“I’m looking forward to the draft.”

NEWS

“I don’t like what this ‘Duck Dynasty’ guy said, but come on, you know?”

“Hey, how about this Obamacare?”

“Snowden broke the law, but is he a bad guy? Or is he a good guy? You could make a case.”

“I don’t know why the gays would want to get married, but hey, OK, go for it.”

“It’s all because of this frickin’ war on Christmas.”

CROWD PLEASER #2

“Shhh, quiet down. The NSA is listening.”

WEATHER

“I cannot believe how warm/cold it is for this time of year. It must be all that global warming.” (OPTIONAL LOL)

“The big blizzard was in ’78. Nine months later all your uncles and aunts were born. Ask your parents why.”

“Not a good night to drink and drive.”

CROWD PLEASER #3

“This Amazon.com is crazy. They deliver the packages as I’m typing the order on the keyboard.”

SMALL TALK

“Good, good. How about you?”

“Can’t complain.”

“Alright. Not as bad as the Browns/Cavs.” (WHOEVER LOST MOST RECENTLY)

THE YEAR IN POPULAR CULTURE

“Man, that ‘Breaking Bad’ ending had everything I wanted.”

“Geez, Sandra Bullock was something else in that space movie.”

“If I have to hear that ‘Blurred Lines’ song one more time I’m gonna stick a fork on my ear, ya know?”

“We saw Robin Swoboda at Legacy Village. True story.”

HYPER-LOCAL

“What’s up with all these mattress stores?

WORK

“Another day, another dollar.”

“They haven’t thrown me out of the building yet.”

“Be better if I didn’t have to take 480 every dang day, but whadda ya gonna do?”

“It’s because of my manager we can’t get nothing done.”

Joe Donatelli is the author of Full Griswold: Stories from a Honeymoon in Italy.

Photo by taylorsevens

Share

Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.

  • Ermine Cunningham

    Joe, Wish I’d had the talking points for the holidays, but I’ve printed them out to use next year. Do Clevelanders really use double negatives that much? Great post–thanks!

  • Good call. They are timeless!