11 Reasons Why Miami is the Worst

The Ohio University football team plays Miami of Ohio on Saturday, which makes right now a good time to remind everyone why Miami is the worst place on earth.

The Ohio University football team plays Miami of Ohio on Saturday, which makes right now a good time to remind everyone why Miami is the worst place on earth.

Miami is so easy to dislike. It’s too easy. It’s like a hack Hollywood screenwriter came up with the idea. “So, on the one hand you’ll have this fun, hippie, party school in the middle of nowhere, OU. And its rival, Miami, is a bunch of preppy jerks in Sperry shoes and North Face Jackets. The dudes are all named Wally and Chaz and they pop their collars and call their school ‘Miami of Bro-hio.’ The girls are all spray-tanned clones named Muffy or Muffie and they’re in sororities whose hazing rituals will be dealt with years later in therapy. All of the ugly people on campus are rounded up and locked in a tool shed near the physical plant on the first day of class. The school’s mascot is a murderous-looking bird.”

So, not that you need the reminder, but here it is anyway: 10 reasons why Miami is the worst.

1. Shoes! Oh, my god, shoes!

2. In 1992 the Miami football team (the men in pads and helmets) skirmished with the Marching 110 Alumni Band (the men and women not in pads and helmets) 

3. The Paul Ryan (Miami ’92) Workout Photos

4. Miami can’t be bothered to care about something as plebeian as a sports rivalry (swishes brandy around in glass, raises nose in air)

Miami University newspaper

5. The ‘Culture of Champions’ Is Power Point drivel (which makes it perfect for Miami)

Miami University

6. These rape fliers are hilarious, bro!

7. And in totally unrelated news, this guy went there

8. Miami of Ohio thinks it’s this place

9. But it’s actually a lot more like this place

10.  Hey, congratulations on making everyone’s Play of the Year reel, Miami football team!

11. Miami students either have an insanely high opinion of their own looks or can’t properly execute satire (tough to say which is worse)

Read the whole confusing mess here.

Joe Donatelli graduated from Ohio University in 1998. You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter

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Author: Joe Donatelli

Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles. He publishes The Humor Columnist.

  • Although everyone wore LLBean Blucher mocs and ragwool socks, white turtlenecks and pea coats when I went to Miami in ’84-’88s, other than those minor preppy fashion differences, it’s clear that some things never change. We were better looking than OU students back then, still are today. We were smarter than OU students back then, still are today. We didn’t care about this OU-alleged OU-Miami rivalry then, and apparently, still don’t care today. And while I feel some compassion for the pathetic haters, like OU, who love to trash the beautiful people, like Miami, I simply don’t care enough to do anything to help OU with it’s obvious inferiority complex. 

  • Shut up with the “inferiority complex” bullshit and get back to being egotisitical

  • Generic student

    Honestly, like 30-40% of miami is preppy like you describe. but there are a lot of good people there too. It’s academics are incredible and has already eclipsed Ohio State. OU has the stigma of being renowned as a party school. But they will figure that out later after they graduate. Also, if you pick a school based on athletics, you should be stupid enough to get into OU.

  • Muffie

    this is fucking hilarious. YOU SURELY KNOW YOUR STUFF!

  • Devon

    I’m currently a freshman at OU, and I take offense to your comment. I am studying pre-veterinary medicine, and not once in my life have I ever smoked, drank alcohol, or done any sort of illegal drugs, nor do I ever plan on doing so. So yeah, OU may be known as a party school, but not every Bobcat follows that stereotype. :)

  • Kelley McAndrews

    If we lined up every undergrad in a field and had a fight to the death, OU would win. It wouldn’t even be close.