The Ohio University football team plays Miami of Ohio on Saturday, which makes right now a good time to remind everyone why Miami is the worst place on earth.
Miami is so easy to dislike. It’s too easy. It’s like a hack Hollywood screenwriter came up with the idea. “So, on the one hand you’ll have this fun, hippie, party school in the middle of nowhere, OU. And its rival, Miami, is a bunch of preppy jerks in Sperry shoes and North Face Jackets. The dudes are all named Wally and Chaz and they pop their collars and call their school ‘Miami of Bro-hio.’ The girls are all spray-tanned clones named Muffy or Muffie and they’re in sororities whose hazing rituals will be dealt with years later in therapy. All of the ugly people on campus are rounded up and locked in a tool shed near the physical plant on the first day of class. The school’s mascot is a murderous-looking bird.”
So, not that you need the reminder, but here it is anyway: 10 reasons why Miami is the worst.
1. Shoes! Oh, my god, shoes!
2. In 1992 the Miami football team (the men in pads and helmets) skirmished with the Marching 110 Alumni Band (the men and women not in pads and helmets)
3. The Paul Ryan (Miami ’92) Workout Photos
4. Miami can’t be bothered to care about something as plebeian as a sports rivalry (swishes brandy around in glass, raises nose in air)
5. The ‘Culture of Champions’ Is Power Point drivel (which makes it perfect for Miami)
6. These rape fliers are hilarious, bro!
7. And in totally unrelated news, this guy went there
8. Miami of Ohio thinks it’s this place
9. But it’s actually a lot more like this place
10. Hey, congratulations on making everyone’s Play of the Year reel, Miami football team!
11. Miami students either have an insanely high opinion of their own looks or can’t properly execute satire (tough to say which is worse)
Read the whole confusing mess here.
More Ohio University stories: