How to Build Ikea Furniture Using Rage, Tears and Beer

Read Joe Donatelli’s humor column about building Ikea furniture — poorly.


You know how you do something stupid, tell yourself you’ll never to do it again, let a lot of time lapse and then do that stupid thing again? That’s me and Ikea.

I needed a dresser and it had been about a decade since I’d stepped foot inside an Ikea. I had completely forgotten (blocked from memory?) what an awful experience it is, from having to park miles from the store’s entrance, to having to lug giant boxes to the checkout aisle on your own to the inscrutable assembly instructions and fourth-rate parts.

Ikea is the crazy girl you hooked up with freshman year, forgot about, and then hooked up with again as a senior. I guess what I’m saying is Ikea WILL CALL YOU CRYING EVERY NIGHT AND TRY TO FACEBOOK FRIEND YOUR MOTHER.


Does this look like a $200 dresser to you? Me neither. This looks like a $35 dresser. So let’s get this out of the way up front. I’m an idiot. I should have known better. I didn’t think this purchase through. I got what was coming to me. I admit it.

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I Was Unsure How to Avoid Huge Ships, And Then I Found This Book

The Amazon reviews for How to Avoid Tall Ships are hilarious.

avoid-tall-shipsOK, it’s official. The funniest writers on the Internet are currently Amazon reviewers. Following on the heels of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer comes the epic How to Avoid Huge Ships.

My favorite review:

As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing influence and presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don’t even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn’t help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest, open and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can’t always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I’m confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships.