A Miami Heat fan walks into a bar

Miami Heat fans are as classy as you think they are.

I learned something about myself last night. If I’m in a bar with you, and we just met, and you’re a Miami Heat fan from Southern California (how does that happen?), and you start making fun of Cleveland sports teams, like more than one comment, I will walk away from you while you are talking.

It’s one thing to make a joke to break the ice. Totally acceptable. I also like when my old friends and fellow fantasy football owners do it. It’s expected. I kind of love it.

But if you’re some dude in an ooont-da-da-oontz shirt and there are dozens of beautiful women around, and your team JUST won the title, and your priority at the moment is trying to add new sports misery to my already-existing sports misery, there is something seriously wrong with you, because I don’t think you’re trying to have fun, I think you’re either on Mystery Method overload (neg everyone!) or you want to fight.

I don’t fight, and I’m not a club girl (now that I’m married), so there was no reason for me to continue listening.

When he said, “Mario Chalmers is sick, yo.” That probably should have clued me into how the rest of the conversation was going to go.

I should have just shaken his hand and said, “I’m sure you’re nice, but this sports-themed conversation really isn’t working out. Hey, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I’m sure one of the other guys in this bar would love to talk to you about Udonis Haslem’s mad rebounding skills.”

Same guy, 10 minutes later, was at the bar talking to my friends, and while one of them was in the middle of telling him something he answered his phone and said, “Dave, you have to get up here. We’re partying our asses off.” Then he put his phone away and acted like he hadn’t rudely interrupted everyone. What I’m saying is, there is no reason to doubt he was a Miami Heat fan.



Why do women want to eat babies?

It’s a national epidemic. Women want to eat newborn babies. I explore why.

I answer this very important question over at Babble.

Brief excerpt:

An adult and a baby make a great comedy team. Case in point: The Hangover. Babies are the perfect comedy foil; they’re always the object of the joke and seldom its source. Therefore, it’s funny to say you want to eat them. The stupider an adult acts around a baby, the more fun for everyone. This is why your parents, if they were any kind of parents at all, have a photo of you sleeping in a high chair surrounded by empty beer cans.


Where’s My Perry? Comes Out Tonight

I’m proud to say that my buddy Sean Kearney worked on the new mobile game Where’s My Perry?, which is like Where’s My Water?, only instead of using water to shower a sewer gator you free a crime-fighting platypus. (It’s more fun than I just made it sound.) The game goes live tonight on the iOS App store.

Buy one. Buy 10! It’s only a buck. That’s not a lot of money. It’s actually pretty affordable, considering the hours of entertainment. What else you gonna spend that buck on? One-sixth of a beer in a Los Angeles bar? One hour with the world’s worst prostitute? Don’t be so cheap, you jerk.


Glen Hansard at Amoeba

Jen and I caught Glen Hansard’s free show at Amoeba tonight.

Jen and I caught Glen Hansard’s free show at Amoeba tonight. It’s an interesting setup. The audience stands in the aisles of Los Angeles’s most famous music store facing a stage where the artist plays. After you get tired of standing for 90 minutes, you can lean forward on the surprising number of CDs for sale by the Motels.

More from the show:

Continue reading “Glen Hansard at Amoeba”


Real life Jerry and Elaine get hitched

I have a piece in the Los Angeles Times’ LA Affairs section. It’s about the night my wife and I got back together after being apart for eight years. It involved lots of Los Angeles places and things such as the Los Angeles Kings, Staples Center, Bossa Nova restaurant, the Fryman, Runyon and Griffith Park hiking trails, the Power House, iO West, the Red Lion Tavern, a boot of beer and the Nana Queens food truck, which is awesome, if you can find it.

Check it out here.

Image via Los Angeles Times