Morgan Freeman, voice of God, in poster form

Read this funny poster starring Morgan Freeman

This Morgan Freeman quote is messing with my head, man.

quote

 

More Morgan Freeman humor:

Morgan Freeman outtakes from Dark Knight

Best Morgan Freeman impression ever

 

Joe Donatelli is a journalist in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

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I was told I saw gray whales

Read about a couple’s gray whale watching experience in Monterrey

on a boat on monterrey

Every winter the North American gray whale population migrates thousands of miles south to Mexico to breed, not unlike spring break.

The federally-protected omnivore was removed from the endangered species list in 1994 and is thriving in record numbers. Weighing in at between 30 and 40 tons, and measuring between 40 to 50 feet long, the adult gray whale is known for its distinctive crusty skin markings. It eats by dislodging small creatures from the sea floor and filtering food through its baleen, which marine biologists say is the same way Michael Moore eats.

If you want to learn more about gray whales, I highly recommend a whale-watching trip like the one my wife and I took in Monterrey. If you actually want to see a gray whale, you’ll want to avoid whale-watching trips entirely because, as we learned during our excursion, gray whales are terrified of boats.

Yes, we saw whales—22 of them, or so we were told.

Here’s what would happen.

The boat’s marine biologist would announce that there was a gray whale at the ship’s one o’clock. Everyone onboard would train their eyes, binoculars and cameras to the front of the boat where, a quarter of a mile away, a whale spout would indicate that somewhere nearby a whale was underwater.

This was very exciting for everyone because 93 percent of the time there were no traces of whales anywhere, even though the marine biologist assured us that we were floating in the middle of the world’s busiest gray whale freeway west of I-95 in Florida. So when we saw something exciting like a whale expelling carbon dioxide several football fields away we lost our minds and started yelling and pointing and taking photos and throwing all of the important radio equipment into the sea.

Continue reading “I was told I saw gray whales”

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Disturbing search term of the week: Heroin Humor

Someone came to this website seeking heroin humor — ugh

I check Google Analytics each week to see why people come to this website, what they are reading and how much time they spend reading it. Sometimes the keyword search results are disturbing. Like last week. Someone came to The Humor Columnist after searching for the term “heroin humor.” Heroin is, of course, inherently hilarious. For my money, heroin is the funniest drug because people are so willing to lose their money and their lives for a narcotic that lets you take a really pleasant nap. At least with other drugs, you become more productive or more interesting. Not heroin. You just nod off like grandpa watching bowling. On the plus side, you can put heroin in a burrito, which is how I think this person found my site.

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Starbucks discovers new ways to make its customers annoying

I wrote about Starbuck’s recent decision to sell beer and wine at select locations for Guyism.

glass of wine at Starbucks
I wrote about Starbucks’ recent decision to sell beer and wine at select locations for Guyism. If you thought Starbucks customers were annoying before, just wait until they’re all boozed up.

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